We know this egg donor thing is a difficult process. It has twists, turns, challenges, unexpected dips and dives. And that's BEFORE the government gets involved.
In 2005 the FDA began regulating testing on egg donors and determining what "kicked" them out of donating eggs. There has to be testing during a certain time frame right before the actual retrieval. Many in the medical field feel it's too narrow of a window, and many patients lose precious time and money should something go wrong.
And that's exactly what happened to me.
Brianne went for her baseline labs and u/s just like me on Friday, like the good patient she is known to be, and the responsible egg donor she is she also picked up all her medications she was due to start on Tuesday.
On Monday, her test results came back. And she tested positive for something (something they'll never tell me of course). Nonetheless she is ineligible to donate by FDA rules and in fact what ever she has kicks her out of donating for the next year. She also had to start some sort of medication too. Now she had her first set of testing done on September 1st, and all was well. However on this October 12th date....she tested positive for something. And just like that...Brianne was out of the picture.
Which means I'm out a donor.
Which means the cycle is canceled.
Oddly, I wasn't devasted...or in despair, or in anguish. Actually, I was downright pissed. Talk about feeling robbed!!! I was furious at Brianne, for reason I don't know. I have no idea what she has that took her out of our cycle, but of course she got the brunt of my anger. It's not like that's all easy either because I certainly can't call her on the phone and yell in her ear. Then panic sets in.
When is the next cycle I can get in?
What about my $8,000 I paid to have Brianne on my books?
Where are these $2500 worth of meds now?
Could I just randomly start asking women on the street to donate an egg or two to me?
After 48hours of pure hell and lots of information gathering, here's what I know.....
January is the soonest I can cycle again.
My $8,000 was never considered "spent" and it was banked.
The meds were returned to the clinic and in safe keeping for me for my next donor.
.....and thus the process begins alllll over again. Choosing another donor.
Now, I guess I consider myself experienced with this process and I have a whole new list of demands and thoughts as I look at the profile of these girls. I want to see that she has a job. I want to see that she's somewhat intelligent. I want to figure out if she's local (so I don't have to pay travel expenses). I want to pay a stipend of no more than $5,000.
257 girls in the database, and I have it narrowed down to 8 girls.
Alisa, Randi, April, Andrea, Connie, Jamie, Angela and Sarah. Just tonight in more profile studying I've crossed off April and Alisa. I'm not sure why anymore, but at the time it seemed appropriate. Trust me you go crossed-eyed looking at these profiles after a couple of hours.
The agency is going to tell me if they are local to my clinic or not. These are all $5,000 girls, so I'm set in that department. Once I find out who's local, then the decision will be made.
I can't believe but just a few days ago 3 nurses and a physician were telling me how wonderful I had done in picking the donor that I did.
And look what happened.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
A New Twist
Has it really been since September 16th since I posted last? Oh my goodness what a bad "egg" I am! (haha, I crack myself up!) (HA! another one!)
Well the short version to this story is that I was coasting along. Seriously I was a skate right into the finish line. Embryo retrieval from my donor Brianne was scheduled the week of Halloween. I found this to be VERY lucky because it's my favorite holiday! Brianne and I were on the same meds, our cycles were synced up, we were in unison!!!
I went for my "baseline" check last Thursday. Now the deal with baseline is it's the pre-show. The doc gets out his magic wand, aims for the hoo-hoo and takes a peek around in there. I'm not sure what he thinks is in there since the last time he looked in there just 3-4 weeks earlier. But you know, Jimmy Hoffa's body has still not been found.....
Anyway I got a "thumbs up" from Dr. A. Now I wasn't my usual chipper self as I was sitting in that clinic room. Aside from the fact that you know magic wand time isn't really all that fun, I just was having a few surreal moments.
First, I was back in that blasted office. Now I hadn't been there since May. I hadn't been there since I had my own egg retrieval and my precious 3 eggs all died day 2 of fertilization. I had nothing to go into transfer with. This is one of the reasons that we moved to donor egg. My eggs just are old and moldy. So I'm having a bit of a "moment" getting myself all back together being in a place that had such an icky memory. Dr. A is very intuitive (for those of you who are medical that's pretty rare in a person that has MD behind their name...nurses on the other hand...) Anyway, Dr. A says, "What is wrong with you??" So I explain to him how it's all surreal to me, it's a bit of a bummer to be back, it sucks to be in these circumstances and it really blows that I gotta entrust the most important thing in my life to some chick named Brianne whom I'll never meet. He was very reassuring, very sweet and explained that he'd worked with Brianne before and she was "top notch." Brianne was "the perfect donor" Brianne was "smart and right on top of everything." Okay...actually that does help Dr. A!
I walked out of the "Magic Wand" room, and the office staff give me all kinds of kudos for picking Brianne as my donor. By the time I leave I'm pretty much thinking I"m winning the Nobel Prize in Science for being so smart in donor choices! Ironically, Dr. A thought he should send me to get an Estradiol level, just to "make you feel better about everything." I'm thinking, seriously dude, I don't need to get stuck with a needle to feel better. For the record, the level came back perfect.
Again, back to my coasting. I was getting excited!! Retrieval and transfer were just around the corner, the weather was changing, and I'm still on a high from choosing Egg Donor Amazing Woman!
Then Monday came.
Well the short version to this story is that I was coasting along. Seriously I was a skate right into the finish line. Embryo retrieval from my donor Brianne was scheduled the week of Halloween. I found this to be VERY lucky because it's my favorite holiday! Brianne and I were on the same meds, our cycles were synced up, we were in unison!!!
I went for my "baseline" check last Thursday. Now the deal with baseline is it's the pre-show. The doc gets out his magic wand, aims for the hoo-hoo and takes a peek around in there. I'm not sure what he thinks is in there since the last time he looked in there just 3-4 weeks earlier. But you know, Jimmy Hoffa's body has still not been found.....
Anyway I got a "thumbs up" from Dr. A. Now I wasn't my usual chipper self as I was sitting in that clinic room. Aside from the fact that you know magic wand time isn't really all that fun, I just was having a few surreal moments.
First, I was back in that blasted office. Now I hadn't been there since May. I hadn't been there since I had my own egg retrieval and my precious 3 eggs all died day 2 of fertilization. I had nothing to go into transfer with. This is one of the reasons that we moved to donor egg. My eggs just are old and moldy. So I'm having a bit of a "moment" getting myself all back together being in a place that had such an icky memory. Dr. A is very intuitive (for those of you who are medical that's pretty rare in a person that has MD behind their name...nurses on the other hand...) Anyway, Dr. A says, "What is wrong with you??" So I explain to him how it's all surreal to me, it's a bit of a bummer to be back, it sucks to be in these circumstances and it really blows that I gotta entrust the most important thing in my life to some chick named Brianne whom I'll never meet. He was very reassuring, very sweet and explained that he'd worked with Brianne before and she was "top notch." Brianne was "the perfect donor" Brianne was "smart and right on top of everything." Okay...actually that does help Dr. A!
I walked out of the "Magic Wand" room, and the office staff give me all kinds of kudos for picking Brianne as my donor. By the time I leave I'm pretty much thinking I"m winning the Nobel Prize in Science for being so smart in donor choices! Ironically, Dr. A thought he should send me to get an Estradiol level, just to "make you feel better about everything." I'm thinking, seriously dude, I don't need to get stuck with a needle to feel better. For the record, the level came back perfect.
Again, back to my coasting. I was getting excited!! Retrieval and transfer were just around the corner, the weather was changing, and I'm still on a high from choosing Egg Donor Amazing Woman!
Then Monday came.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Breaking the mold
My mom always told me that they "broke the mold when they made you." Apparently, that turned out more true than she knew!
My DNA will never be replicated. My eggs are in such a state of unhealthiness that there's no way they can fertilize. Or, if they do fertilize, not be able to sustain life. Hence, how I landed in the donor egg world. One of the theories behind my ectopic pregnancy is the thought that bad eggs, hence embroyes, is a warning to Mother Nature. I was doing IVF when I had my ectopic, which is so rare, I should have hit Vegas that same weekend. But it's said that Mother Nature has a way of fixing it's own mistakes, and eventhough it was a pregnancy, it more than likely was not a healthy embryo and it implanted in my Fallopian tube. So, it also means I'm down 1 tube, because that ectopic pretty much destroyed the tube on the left and it had to be removed. Just a body parts count here (because everyone should have one) , I am down 1 Fallopian tube, 1 gallbladder, 2 tonsils. (these are questions medical people ask you, yanno)
Now for some reason it's just occurred to me recently that Brianne's portion of this process is relatively short. Granted, this whacked out relay race doesn't start unless her portion of the race gets started. So as she's passing off the baton to me (last runner in the race) it dawned on me that truly, I have the most important part. I mean really, the last leg is where you always put your best runner. For awhile now I've felt that because I didn't contribute DNA, it meant I wasn't really contributing at all. (I'm not promising rational thoughts here with this blog). But my contribution to a pregnancy is actually quite important. Yes, Brianne must provide the eggs, she passes the baton to the clinic, the clinic passes the eggs on to J's sperm, the new sperm/egg combo is passed off to the embryologist who helps it along as best as possible, the embryo is then passed on to me and implanted in my uterus. Granted, there's a LOT of people in this relay race and a LOT of passing of the baton. But ultimately...they are doing it all to get to the final goal, the last leg, the destination of a uterine home that will sustain life.
So creating life or sustaining life....which is higher on the "important scale?" Both. You can't have one without the other. It just so happens that in my case, they take place in 2 separate bodies.
So, thanks Brianne, for starting the race.
My DNA will never be replicated. My eggs are in such a state of unhealthiness that there's no way they can fertilize. Or, if they do fertilize, not be able to sustain life. Hence, how I landed in the donor egg world. One of the theories behind my ectopic pregnancy is the thought that bad eggs, hence embroyes, is a warning to Mother Nature. I was doing IVF when I had my ectopic, which is so rare, I should have hit Vegas that same weekend. But it's said that Mother Nature has a way of fixing it's own mistakes, and eventhough it was a pregnancy, it more than likely was not a healthy embryo and it implanted in my Fallopian tube. So, it also means I'm down 1 tube, because that ectopic pretty much destroyed the tube on the left and it had to be removed. Just a body parts count here (because everyone should have one) , I am down 1 Fallopian tube, 1 gallbladder, 2 tonsils. (these are questions medical people ask you, yanno)
Now for some reason it's just occurred to me recently that Brianne's portion of this process is relatively short. Granted, this whacked out relay race doesn't start unless her portion of the race gets started. So as she's passing off the baton to me (last runner in the race) it dawned on me that truly, I have the most important part. I mean really, the last leg is where you always put your best runner. For awhile now I've felt that because I didn't contribute DNA, it meant I wasn't really contributing at all. (I'm not promising rational thoughts here with this blog). But my contribution to a pregnancy is actually quite important. Yes, Brianne must provide the eggs, she passes the baton to the clinic, the clinic passes the eggs on to J's sperm, the new sperm/egg combo is passed off to the embryologist who helps it along as best as possible, the embryo is then passed on to me and implanted in my uterus. Granted, there's a LOT of people in this relay race and a LOT of passing of the baton. But ultimately...they are doing it all to get to the final goal, the last leg, the destination of a uterine home that will sustain life.
So creating life or sustaining life....which is higher on the "important scale?" Both. You can't have one without the other. It just so happens that in my case, they take place in 2 separate bodies.
So, thanks Brianne, for starting the race.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Day 1 of my cycle
Yah...it's not as exciting as it sounds. All it means is that..I started my period today. Now you would think that it's not a big brewhaha (no clue how to spell that) but in fact, ppl in my RE's office (reproductive endocrinologist...and I'm never going to spell it again, so refer to this post if you forget) get reallly excited about it.
I have had healthy, normal, regular periods since I started playing in the big girl bathroom at the age of 12. Every 29-32 days I can expect my period to come like clock work. I'd like to think that was on my side, but in fact...not sure it's made one hell of a difference so far. Because the minute I started trying to resolve my infertility (we say resolve it not cure it...okay? got it?), Auntie Flow suddenly got very shy. So in the 2.5 years I've been dealing with IVF, EVERYTIME we're about to start a cycle my period goes on vacation. There's the first peek into the mind-body connection. And what I've found during all of this process is how much my mind works with my body.
Now ironically, this month my body has decided it's ready to play. I was expecting it on September 14th, and in fact...she's shown up 2 days early like some damn over achiever. So when I called the office today, the nurse says.. "OOHHHhh!! how wonderful, let me just write that down"
I have an egg donor. Her name is Brianne. I can tell you all sorts of things about Brianne like her eye color, her favorite movie, what her parents do for a living, etc. Of course I can tell you other medical history things about Brianne too, which are important as well. I have 4 full pages of all kinds of things about Brianne and pictures of her too.
But what I can't tell you is if she's responsible, if she keeps a calendar up to date, if she can follow instructions clearly. Honestly, this sorta stuff about Brianne is starting to get important to me....and I don't care if she has green eyes any more.
I am entrusting the success of me becoming pregnant on the shoulders of a 28 y/o woman I've never met and plan to never meet. How strange is that?
So, back to calling the office today telling my coordinator Connie that the red flow is present! Once she gave me the "atta girl!" pat on the back, she launched into the heretos and wherefores of starting a cycle.
Prescriptions for me and Brianne, meds for J. ( the man of mine whom I've chosen to share this journey with....lucky him) , 2 appointments (the clinic is a 2 hour drive) in the next few weeks, lab draw dates, a calendar of all med instructions coming in the mail, AND I have to sign 8 pieces of paper in front of a notary. (ohh lovely....just where do I find me one of them!?)
I start BCP (birth control pills) tomorrow, Miss Brianne's been on them for 1 week now already. We're trying to sync up our cycles so we have our periods together in October. I hate these damn BCP's, they make me have a headache!
Oh, and did I mention I have to complete an audit with the IRS? Yah, they have some concern about my medical expenses reported for my 2005 taxes.
Me too, that was an expensive year.
I have had healthy, normal, regular periods since I started playing in the big girl bathroom at the age of 12. Every 29-32 days I can expect my period to come like clock work. I'd like to think that was on my side, but in fact...not sure it's made one hell of a difference so far. Because the minute I started trying to resolve my infertility (we say resolve it not cure it...okay? got it?), Auntie Flow suddenly got very shy. So in the 2.5 years I've been dealing with IVF, EVERYTIME we're about to start a cycle my period goes on vacation. There's the first peek into the mind-body connection. And what I've found during all of this process is how much my mind works with my body.
Now ironically, this month my body has decided it's ready to play. I was expecting it on September 14th, and in fact...she's shown up 2 days early like some damn over achiever. So when I called the office today, the nurse says.. "OOHHHhh!! how wonderful, let me just write that down"
I have an egg donor. Her name is Brianne. I can tell you all sorts of things about Brianne like her eye color, her favorite movie, what her parents do for a living, etc. Of course I can tell you other medical history things about Brianne too, which are important as well. I have 4 full pages of all kinds of things about Brianne and pictures of her too.
But what I can't tell you is if she's responsible, if she keeps a calendar up to date, if she can follow instructions clearly. Honestly, this sorta stuff about Brianne is starting to get important to me....and I don't care if she has green eyes any more.
I am entrusting the success of me becoming pregnant on the shoulders of a 28 y/o woman I've never met and plan to never meet. How strange is that?
So, back to calling the office today telling my coordinator Connie that the red flow is present! Once she gave me the "atta girl!" pat on the back, she launched into the heretos and wherefores of starting a cycle.
Prescriptions for me and Brianne, meds for J. ( the man of mine whom I've chosen to share this journey with....lucky him) , 2 appointments (the clinic is a 2 hour drive) in the next few weeks, lab draw dates, a calendar of all med instructions coming in the mail, AND I have to sign 8 pieces of paper in front of a notary. (ohh lovely....just where do I find me one of them!?)
I start BCP (birth control pills) tomorrow, Miss Brianne's been on them for 1 week now already. We're trying to sync up our cycles so we have our periods together in October. I hate these damn BCP's, they make me have a headache!
Oh, and did I mention I have to complete an audit with the IRS? Yah, they have some concern about my medical expenses reported for my 2005 taxes.
Me too, that was an expensive year.
The Brief Note.....
So, if I had thought so many years ago in high school I could never get pregnant, perhaps I would have lived a wild and crazy lfie during my teens. As it stands now, I was fairly a good girl, but maybe I should have lived it up!
Okay, so I know that's not really a reality. And the truth be told, had I actually gotten pregnant when I was 17, I would have been in a hell of a mess. I probably wouldn't be where I am today, and I think I would be with that freak Mike! *shudder*
I am infertile. There, I said it in text. I can't reproduce, I can't have babies, I can't bring life into the world. Usually thoughts right after that were...I'm broken. I mean god, I did feel broken. Let's face it....all my other friends grew up, got married, had babies. How hard is this life plan? I went into pediatric nursing as a career for pete's sake! Do you think the Universe just didn't get the memo from me? "What?...you want a child? Oh, I'm sorry, didn't hear you. I was too busy with making sure this crackhead woman over here got pregnant with her 3rd child."
Yeah, that's how bitter I am sometimes. And I see it every day where I work. I tell myself that comparing apples to oranges just isn't healthy. However, when I see the orange I want to peel her and squeeze juice out of her, leaving her a shriveled up mess on the floor.
So if you've read this far, I'm not sure what you've gleened at all about me. Let's see if I can feel in some other vital stats.
Me:
39 (JUST, btw....I'm a Cancer, bday is in June)
in a serious relationship (god, I hope so right!...)
TTC for 10 years (for those of you "infertility savvy" that means "trying to concieve")
5 IVF's/1 Ectopic (so...I have had 5 in-vitro fertilizations (*think petri dish*) and 1 was successful, but was an ectopic pregnancy in which I almost bled to death)
Isn't infertility fun?
Actually,....it sucks. Not just sucks.....it realllllly sucks. I am about to embark on a new cycle with a donor egg. I thought it might be good for me (cathartic, so they say) to blog my experiences as I go through them. With that said.....
Okay, so I know that's not really a reality. And the truth be told, had I actually gotten pregnant when I was 17, I would have been in a hell of a mess. I probably wouldn't be where I am today, and I think I would be with that freak Mike! *shudder*
I am infertile. There, I said it in text. I can't reproduce, I can't have babies, I can't bring life into the world. Usually thoughts right after that were...I'm broken. I mean god, I did feel broken. Let's face it....all my other friends grew up, got married, had babies. How hard is this life plan? I went into pediatric nursing as a career for pete's sake! Do you think the Universe just didn't get the memo from me? "What?...you want a child? Oh, I'm sorry, didn't hear you. I was too busy with making sure this crackhead woman over here got pregnant with her 3rd child."
Yeah, that's how bitter I am sometimes. And I see it every day where I work. I tell myself that comparing apples to oranges just isn't healthy. However, when I see the orange I want to peel her and squeeze juice out of her, leaving her a shriveled up mess on the floor.
So if you've read this far, I'm not sure what you've gleened at all about me. Let's see if I can feel in some other vital stats.
Me:
39 (JUST, btw....I'm a Cancer, bday is in June)
in a serious relationship (god, I hope so right!...)
TTC for 10 years (for those of you "infertility savvy" that means "trying to concieve")
5 IVF's/1 Ectopic (so...I have had 5 in-vitro fertilizations (*think petri dish*) and 1 was successful, but was an ectopic pregnancy in which I almost bled to death)
Isn't infertility fun?
Actually,....it sucks. Not just sucks.....it realllllly sucks. I am about to embark on a new cycle with a donor egg. I thought it might be good for me (cathartic, so they say) to blog my experiences as I go through them. With that said.....
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