Day 1 of my cycle

Yah...it's not as exciting as it sounds. All it means is that..I started my period today. Now you would think that it's not a big brewhaha (no clue how to spell that) but in fact, ppl in my RE's office (reproductive endocrinologist...and I'm never going to spell it again, so refer to this post if you forget) get reallly excited about it.

I have had healthy, normal, regular periods since I started playing in the big girl bathroom at the age of 12. Every 29-32 days I can expect my period to come like clock work. I'd like to think that was on my side, but in fact...not sure it's made one hell of a difference so far. Because the minute I started trying to resolve my infertility (we say resolve it not cure it...okay? got it?), Auntie Flow suddenly got very shy. So in the 2.5 years I've been dealing with IVF, EVERYTIME we're about to start a cycle my period goes on vacation. There's the first peek into the mind-body connection. And what I've found during all of this process is how much my mind works with my body.

Now ironically, this month my body has decided it's ready to play. I was expecting it on September 14th, and in fact...she's shown up 2 days early like some damn over achiever. So when I called the office today, the nurse says.. "OOHHHhh!! how wonderful, let me just write that down"

I have an egg donor. Her name is Brianne. I can tell you all sorts of things about Brianne like her eye color, her favorite movie, what her parents do for a living, etc. Of course I can tell you other medical history things about Brianne too, which are important as well. I have 4 full pages of all kinds of things about Brianne and pictures of her too.

But what I can't tell you is if she's responsible, if she keeps a calendar up to date, if she can follow instructions clearly. Honestly, this sorta stuff about Brianne is starting to get important to me....and I don't care if she has green eyes any more.

I am entrusting the success of me becoming pregnant on the shoulders of a 28 y/o woman I've never met and plan to never meet. How strange is that?

So, back to calling the office today telling my coordinator Connie that the red flow is present! Once she gave me the "atta girl!" pat on the back, she launched into the heretos and wherefores of starting a cycle.

Prescriptions for me and Brianne, meds for J. ( the man of mine whom I've chosen to share this journey with....lucky him) , 2 appointments (the clinic is a 2 hour drive) in the next few weeks, lab draw dates, a calendar of all med instructions coming in the mail, AND I have to sign 8 pieces of paper in front of a notary. (ohh lovely....just where do I find me one of them!?)

I start BCP (birth control pills) tomorrow, Miss Brianne's been on them for 1 week now already. We're trying to sync up our cycles so we have our periods together in October. I hate these damn BCP's, they make me have a headache!

Oh, and did I mention I have to complete an audit with the IRS? Yah, they have some concern about my medical expenses reported for my 2005 taxes.

Me too, that was an expensive year.

The Brief Note.....

So, if I had thought so many years ago in high school I could never get pregnant, perhaps I would have lived a wild and crazy lfie during my teens. As it stands now, I was fairly a good girl, but maybe I should have lived it up!

Okay, so I know that's not really a reality. And the truth be told, had I actually gotten pregnant when I was 17, I would have been in a hell of a mess. I probably wouldn't be where I am today, and I think I would be with that freak Mike! *shudder*

I am infertile. There, I said it in text. I can't reproduce, I can't have babies, I can't bring life into the world. Usually thoughts right after that were...I'm broken. I mean god, I did feel broken. Let's face it....all my other friends grew up, got married, had babies. How hard is this life plan? I went into pediatric nursing as a career for pete's sake! Do you think the Universe just didn't get the memo from me? "What?...you want a child? Oh, I'm sorry, didn't hear you. I was too busy with making sure this crackhead woman over here got pregnant with her 3rd child."

Yeah, that's how bitter I am sometimes. And I see it every day where I work. I tell myself that comparing apples to oranges just isn't healthy. However, when I see the orange I want to peel her and squeeze juice out of her, leaving her a shriveled up mess on the floor.

So if you've read this far, I'm not sure what you've gleened at all about me. Let's see if I can feel in some other vital stats.

Me:
39 (JUST, btw....I'm a Cancer, bday is in June)
in a serious relationship (god, I hope so right!...)
TTC for 10 years (for those of you "infertility savvy" that means "trying to concieve")
5 IVF's/1 Ectopic (so...I have had 5 in-vitro fertilizations (*think petri dish*) and 1 was successful, but was an ectopic pregnancy in which I almost bled to death)

Isn't infertility fun?

Actually,....it sucks. Not just sucks.....it realllllly sucks. I am about to embark on a new cycle with a donor egg. I thought it might be good for me (cathartic, so they say) to blog my experiences as I go through them. With that said.....